if you think you are

You think you’re good, there is someone better.

You think you’re bad, there is someone evil.

You think you’re rich, there is someone wealthier.

You think you’re poor, there is someone poorer.

You think you don’t have enough, there is someone having nothing.

You think you’re alone, there is someone lonelier.

You think you’re hungry, there is someone starving.

You think you’re clever, there is someone wiser

You think you’re ugly, there is someone retarded

You think you’re beautiful, there is someone wonderful

You think you’re sad, there is someone hopeless

 

The world doesn’t resolve around you and only you.

Empty

Honestly, if you like me to describe how I feel about my life right now, the word is EMPTY. I feel empty. Whenever a friend asks whether I’m okay, of course I would say I’m fine. That’s what all of us do right? Telling people that we’re okay, we’re fine, well instead we’re not.

In every human’s life, we all go through transition periods. From living a baby’s life, then we enter adolescent’s period, then the marriage then having children and all..By every transition, you will find that your life is changing. Whether it becomes more miserable by time, or it becomes more wonderful. Well, of course the ups and downs in between.

As for me, my life has been wonderful ever since I get married and have a baby. Having a spouse who loves me, supporting me all through hard times, and never fail to make me smile and laugh. I love him and I love this marriage. We have a baby and it only adds up the fun in my life. This transition of my life had made me feel so complete and satisfied. But then when I have to leave them so far because he has started to have a job and me haven’t finished my study here in this desert country, Oh no, what’s this feeling, all the fun and completeness are sucked out from my life in a blink of an eye. I know this is temporary but still, I hate it.

I soo want to be like an ordinary wife, like preparing meals for my family, waiting for my husband to come back from work every day, have a date once in a while, go shopping groceries and baby stuffs together.. And I want to be a good mother who never leave her baby, feed her and change her diapers, smell her poo poo, hug her and play with her everyday, sing her to sleep with the softest voice I have, the list goes on and on..Oh how I miss those times…

Now that I have over 3 months of study life left, I can’t imagine how I am going to make it through. Even one month is so long now that I am suffering inside. Right now, I want to fly to my husband and baby. Or at least I want to bring my baby with me here. Everybody was telling and will be telling me that it’s a bad idea because sitting a baby while you’re studying would be tedious and it would only give you distractions and disturbance. Despite that or anything, I still want my baby. Hey, who in the world can separate a mother from her baby? Even animals have this mother’s instinct things, what makes you think I don’t have one? The dilemma is, how am I going to convince my family that I can take care of her just fine and I can study just well. What am I going to tell them, since my past years results are not excellent enough for them to have confidence in me. Even I sometimes question the same. Can I do this?

What a dilemma I have. I am soo pathetic.

My sleeping beauty

My sleeping beauty

I just want my baby. I am a mother and I do think a mother should be with her baby all along. She’s still too young and deserves love and affection from a mother. It’s good for her development and growth after all. I just want to be an ordinary mother.And I am no extraordinary by any means.

You made my day

Some people think that having a spouse is dragging you down from what you want to be.
But for me, having my spouse is pushing me towards the best of me. Subhanallah, it’s really a bless to love and be loved, and convey our love together towards The Almighty Allah.
There are so much things that we learn together. We support and teach each other. We exchange thoughts,although some of them (actually most) are not in sync but we have learned to accept the differences in us. Whenever I’m in despair, I know I have him with me and that makes me stronger than ever. Whenever he is in despair, I know I have to be with him. 
He, is the greatest gift from God to me. The best husband, the best father of my daughter Aya.

Now we’re thousand miles apart, him working in the homecountry and me, finishing my degree abroad. 
But I know even the longest distance won’t separate us apart, as lovers are in each other all along.

Woke up this morning, he sent me this.

A motivational quote from my other half

A motivational quote from my other half

It made my day,and I just can’t ask for more. He knows what I need best in the best of time. =)

Us, when I was pregnant-fat.

Us, when I was pregnant-fat.

AHAHAHA

LOL, LOLOL, LMAO, whatever, whatever. Just laugh your mouth off. You sure love to laugh don’t you? You sure are more easily attached to a person with some sense of humor rather than a sourplum guy who puts on serious face to you, right? Human nature!

People are more motivated to go to work when their officemates are funny. People can fall in love easily to someone who is funny because they are so fun to be with. People tend to automatically smile when they stumble upon someone funny that they know. Students love lecturers who are funny and they tend to stay awake the whole lecture because they don’t feel bored. People share jokes via fb, twitter, sms, because people love to laugh together, and it makes our day! Oh God, imagine a world without laughter? Disaster.

Laugh your stresses off, you’ll be happier. Sometimes, not all the time, we should take our life lightly. I mean, not so seriously. Even the most intelligent person in history, Albert Einstein loves to laugh and crack a joke. Why not crack a joke from your stressful life? Why not make a joke on your own embarassment? There must be something funny in it. There must be.

Ok, here’s the thing. Why has God created humans with sense of humor? The answer is simple. We simply can’t live without fun. Depressed people committed suicide because they don’t find their life fun anymore. Now can you see how humor has protected us all along? It reduces stress, releases endorphin which makes us relaxed, boosts our immunity, lessen the wrinkles on our face, delay our aging, gives us motivation to face the day. Maybe, we shoud learn from children. Although, I believe, they have their own stresses, like not getting ice cream because mama won’t buy, they’re always playful and take things lightly. Children are always fun! Don’t you think PLAYground and FUNfair are devoted for children? Because they are fun! Haha.(They can get annoying sometimes, but i think the same goes to adults. In fact, adults can be far more annoying)

Whatever it is, We owe you, uncle humor. You’re the hero! You’re fun! You’re awesome! Now, go be humorous.

Have some laugh,people.

Have some laugh,people.

3 months a mother (and counting..)

3 months ago : 

When are you coming out, baby? Mommy just can’t wait..

(searching in the internet: how to stimulate your labor) and I did all I can do to speed up my labor.

Acupressure, pineapple, evening primrose oil, virgin coconut oil, etc..

I know..it souinds crazy yes? but i guess that’s what most pregnant women would feel during their last trimester, esp beyond 37 weeks! I was like, JUST GET IT OUT ALREADY!

The day I was admitted:
 
Doctor: It has opened. 3 cm. You can go to the labor room.

I remembered my husband’s reaction. “What? Now? Really?”

It is three hours after the admission that I started to feel the contraction. And it only got stronger and stronger and stronger. If someone asks me to describe the pain, I would say,”It’s hell of a pain. Mother of all pains in the world !”

And 6 hours after the pain started, tadaaa…I’m a mother! And that moment, I have to say, is the greatest moment in my life. Seven days after, we named her Aya. It’s the name that I couln’t wait to call since ever.

She’s 3 month old today. Healthy, chubby, happy.(sometimes grumpy). I’m happy that I was given the chance by God to see her grow for at least 3 months. It is sad to say, that in three days, i’m leaving for Egypt, to finish up my remaining studies and exams. Without my husband. Without my baby. It’s somehow quite depressing to think that I have to be independent again.(sigh..)

Today, before I put Aya to sleep, we had a prep talk. She has started to learn to make sounds and i’m happy that we finally ‘communicate’. i told her I’ll be leaving soon and she replied with her ‘aah’s and ‘taa’s..How cute…if only i could understand what she’s saying..

I can’t imagine how i’m going to miss them badly, but this is the only choice that i have for the sake of my family and my future. I can’t throw away my dream. It’s still there waiting for me to grab. So, let’s just pray that I, my husband, and my little Aya will be good and strong.

Anger management~

Today, I just feel like talking about anger management. Not because i’m angry, but i see it as a serious issue sometimes. Because whenever I see someone got angry and yelling because of minor matters, I feel sooo disturbed. Although it’s not me who got yelled at, but somehow I got affected.

So, why some people got easily annoyed and angry, while some others manage to seem cool and relaxed despite dealing with annoying, irritating, and disturbing matter?

Here are some theories.

No.1, the angry people feel that they’re powerless. By yelling and put on an angry face, they thought they might look powerful and intimidating. Yes, it is intimidating, but it doesn’t actually give them power. And this explains why sometimes, those powerful and wiser and highly respected people rarely seem annoyed or irritated by some unimportant minor matters.Instead, they look cool and calmer. Some are even down-to-earth. They don’t find it difficult to forgive and let go when things go wrong.

No.2, to cover their own defect. These angry people also have one habit, which is to point finger to someone else whenever any undesired event occurs. That’s to say, when they slip, they tend to blame the floor. When they forget things, they tend to say,”Why didn’t you remind me?”, when they do mistakes, they’ll say ” You didn’t tell me earlier! How am I supposed to know??”, and the blaming goes on and on. The thing is, they can’t accept that things go wrong, and someone must be blamed for it.

And no.3, they’re just poor unhappy people.

Well, maybe there are a lot more theories I just don’t manage to come up with, but I do know one thing. One secret key for anger management. INNER PEACE. With high emotional and spritual qoutient along with adequate or high intelligent quotient, someone can afford to achieve this inner peace. And when inner peace is achieved, there’s nothing in this world that can hurt your feeling without your consent. Nothing can make you feel miserable despite all terrible things that happen to you. And thus,you’ll be less angry.

And it is important to know, that anger is a feeling. Thus, when a feeling comes,

it can’t be denied. BUT, it certainly can be managed and controlled. Why waste your energy getting angry and grumpy?

Do not let your anger conquer you. Believe that everyone of us has the power to resist. Let’s try ok? We’re all wishing for a harmonious community afterall.

Smile… =)

The holiday which doesn’t stop

I was so doomed when the university administration has again announced further extension of our winter holiday. Quite for the first time in my life, holiday is no more a joy, and, surprisingly for me, I long for classes. Oh please. I want to be useful again. Lucky our professors understand our inner intense boredom that they finally arranged a clerkship programme for us. (Although, i only attended thrice so far.I guess i’m really turning into a fat lazy pregnant lady.ahah) Well, if you can’t do all, at least you don’t leave all, right? 

It has been over a month now since holiday started and i think i haven’t done anything very useful since then. At first, i actually planned on living a free life along the holiday. No books, no stresses whatsoever. I went shopping, watching movies, shopping again. It’s really nice at first, you know? Cause I don’t need to revise or anything, with my new semester only ran for two weeks so far. Come on, what’s there to revise? I’m freee! But as time passed, i finally woke up from fantasy and thought, how much time had i wasted? Maybe i could use this time to do little things that benefits me. Ideas came in. Why don’t I continue playing keyboard? Why don’t I do some research and well, perhaps start writing and sharing? Why don’t i try new recipes? All of a sudden, i want to do soo many things while my holiday is only one week left. Dush. Human beings never appreciate time until they’re running out of it. I am the evident. Tragic.

However, better late than never right? I’m now practising my brain to play songs(currently playing Giorni Dispari by Ludovico Eunaudi. Classic!) and read books so that  my brain hopefully will function again after i shut it down for quite some time now. Well, good luck with that! 

Image

My cute beginner keyboard and books i wish to finish soon..

To whom does our time goes?

Some people are too consumed counting time that they neglect spending it with loved ones.

Maybe because we think “the loved ones” can wait but time can’t. Yet we never know when will the loved ones ‘ran out of time’.

Tick tock, tick tock, spend your time wisely. So you won’t beg for more when it’s time, or so you won’t beg for less when there’s more.

#reading mode:the time keeper by mitch albom

It’s really shocking for us two, especially my husband when we receive the news that his father was bedridden in a comatosed state. No thinking twice, he right away decided to go home on the very same day,and we were rushed right away to the hospital after we arrived the airport. It took us 13 hours though, to arrive Kuala Lumpur. And another 2-3hours on car to his hometown where my father-in-law was hospitalized.. Yet, for my poor husband, it must seem longer for him. Nothing could keep him from thinking and worrying. 

Allah blesses him, my father-in-law’s death was pronounced the 2nd day we arrived, after 30minutes of CPR

. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raaji’un..It’s Allah’s decision to take him back. It’s surely tough for the family. And it’s quite a grief for many people though, as he was the kind who loved making friends and he was always concerned about his family members, near or far. 

My father-in-law was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis, several years back. His liver function was deteriorating as the liver shrunk and there’s no cure for this condition except merely liver support. Liver transplant? Not as easy as spelling the word. What made the condition worse is his other co-morbidities as he also suffered from diabetes. 

Well, it’s gona take some time for my husband to recover from his big loss. Yet, I always pray that he’ll stay strong as he always is. And we pray everyday that my late father-in-law is living a happy life up there. 
And if there’s anyone reading this, hope you can at least recite ‘al-Fatihah’ as a sadaqah.

p/s: One day, we will all die, won’t we? it’s a matter of when and how. 

the tummy or the baby?

It surely is a loooong journey before my exam period. Together with this morning sickness which i have to go through almost every morning, i am a constant food seeker for my boring tummy which asks for food every 2 hours everyday and which also gets easily bored to the same kind of food.so i figured out that my tummy is not really hungry, but it’s just boring!

I barely have interest in food, except those new recipes i cook(i dragged myself to cook) just to shut down the tantrum in my stomach. unfortunately, by time, the new recipes too, hits my boredom threshold line. Sometimes i practically thrust food into my mouth and force my mouth muscles to work out and grind them into some sort of liquid food which is able to just slide down my throat into my constantly grinding machine down there in my abdomen. Almost always, it’s difficult to have ‘enough’. Oh my acidic gastric juice must be overflooding!..

Plus, with the exam fever coming along, i have to admit, study can really make me even hungrier every now and then. Oh maybe the exam fever is emitting its toxic effect to my satiety center.

but what’s important, though i have to go through these dull boring repetitive routines everyday,(eat,study,eat,study,eat,sleep) plus dragging myself to entertain my uninhibited satiety center every hour, deep inside, i know i have to do my best for the sake of my baby. Every time i feel that hunger pain, i would think “oh no.baby is hungry” and it would right away trigger me for food hunting. Somehow i enjoy the feeling. It’s like, i can feel the baby’s needs. Subhanallah when i think about it, Allah has made this physiological changes to pregnant mothers so that the baby gets what it needs to grow. Though i always frown whenever the hunger pain strikes, deep down, i said to my baby,” don’t worry dear. Mommy’s here. I’ll go get what you want.” =)

One month remaining before my first paper. With this little me inside, i can smell the wind of change coming. Hope i can achieve much much better this time. Yosh, baby! Let’s do it.