Okay so yesterday was a reaaallly badddd day for me. Baaad baad day. I sat for an exam which i wasn’t so ready for. I convinced myself that it’s going to be easy and they would only ask common questions. I did some reading on common questions. So chillax, calm down.Common is common, and just go for it, baby! But that’s not what happened. It was actually the worst exam I’d ever experienced!
I myself am not sure if I’m exaggerating about the-worst-exam-ever part, but this exaggeration reflects how bad it was for me. I was blank, and empty. It’s a 3-hour duration exam, and my headache has come to strike around the first 80 minutes. When headache comes, it means I’m using my brain more than its capacity. Of course I did! I created so many new facts that I thought was relevant and tolerable as an answer. I wrote whatever comes to my mind at that moment, without standing the chance to think deeply and calmly. No, i just wrote everything with a sky high hope that it’s something stated somewhere in the books and not purely my inventions. Somewhere in the middle, I actually felt like giving up. But I decided to keep fantasizing and create more answers which may sound wise, but a-ah, not really the answer, but hopefully acceptable. I also decided to make fun of it and not to take it so serious. If you saw me lauhing alone in the exam hall, I was laughing over my own ridiculous answers.
After 3 hours, nothing can describe how drained I was, like I just fought a war. Despite that, I was happy that I finally went through it. But you know how friends were after exam finished. They started discussing answers with each other and that has stimulated my ‘panic centre’ in the brain, I was so panicked that the more they discuss, the more I realized that my answers were not even close. That, has left me in despair. A deep, dark, heart-wrenching despair.
I tried to act normal, because it’s usual to feel stupid after each exam, but i can’t this time. Maybe one of the reason is, it’s a final paper, and I am soo desperately wanting to pass the final papers, fly home, leaving this sacred place forever, to my home sweet home, spending the lost time I didn’t spend with Aya and Saifuddin, my lovely husband. Let’s just call him ‘msbi’, because I never really have called him with that name(saifuddin) all my life,haha, because we call each other ‘awak’, so it has become awkward to call each other with names, so okayy, let’s just stick with ‘msbi’, his facebook name because it may sound a lil bit more catchy.
Back to the story, I got back home, feeling all tired and disappointed, and I told Msbi that I’m afraid I have to resit this paper because I did bad in the exam. I know he was busy dealing with his non-ending tasks in the hospital, furthermore he just started his new posting in div of medicine, which is a hell of a place for housemen, so i didn’t expect him to answer, and that’s fine for me. But he replied! And he called.
He actually called.
“Macam mana exam tadi?”
“Emm, malas lah nak ingat pasal tadi.”
“Banyak ke tak dapat jawab or boleh jawab tapi tak complete?”
“Banyak tak boleh jawab, yang boleh jawab pun tak complete” *Dah start rasa nak nangis*
“Yelah.. saya pun tak habiskan baca buku..salah saya..”
“Buku tu kene habiskan baca lah patutnya..”*dah start nak membebel*
“Diam lah awak!” *We laughed*
“Kadang-kadang, result ni bukan ikut yang kita buat je, ada banyak lagi faktor lain, macam mana kita doa, macam mana kita teruskan usaha,macam mana kita mintak dan yakin Allah akan tolong kita..semua tu faktor..” *air mata terus meleleh*
It’s a simple advice, but deep. I cried and promised to myself to not lose hope and faith to Allah, and keep trying for the next remaining papers. Whatever Allah has written for me in His plannings, it will always find its way to happen, leaving us choices to make, either keep crying over the past, or move on. I chose to move on.
I can’t describe how thankful I am to have Msbi who always knew what to say when I’m sad. Thank you God for lending him to me. I’ll cherish this gift for my whole life.